


What She Knows

by Raised_from_perdition



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Christmas Special, Dorks in Love, F/M, Love, The caretaker - Freeform, last christmas, reflections, whats really happening in Clara's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 10:28:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3205916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raised_from_perdition/pseuds/Raised_from_perdition
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shit summary. Just read it I promise you'll like it. Set in the caretaker, when Clara's explaining to Danny, and attempting to understand herself. She loves Danny, but the Doctor? She hasn't quite figured out that yet, but Danny can't know that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What She Knows

"Do you love him?" 

She doesn't know why the question surprises her. It's a reasonable thing to ask. But it still catches her off guard, and brings to surface many things she has repeatedly tried to bury.

"No," she answers quickly. Too quickly, and it sounds like a lie even to her. 

"Getting really sick of the lies," Danny says, pain and confusion knotting his eyebrows.

If she's being honest, Clara doesn't know what the truth is. She doesn't know the answer to the question Danny's asking her, the same one she's been asking herself for years.

She feels trapped, like he's forcing her to face the things she's been running from for so long she doesn't remember doing anything different. He's forcing her to untie the tangles that are her life, and she hasn't decided if that's good or bad. 

"Not in that way," she says, simply because it's the safest option.

"What other way is there?" 

And that's not fair. He's making this hard for her. She's trying and he's making it difficult. She doesn't know. She simply doesn't know. That's all the Doctor's ever given her, confusion, and complicated knots of feelings that she doesn't know how to decipher. That's why she's likes Danny so much she thinks. He tells her exactly what he wants, and how he feels. This time she doesn't like it so much. She shakes herself and reminds herself that this is Danny, who she loves.

But even then she doesn't know if she loves Danny. 

"You know what I mean." She's avoiding an outright answer and she's scared he'll realise this.

She thinks he does, but instead of addressing it he says he doesn't know what she means, and she's at least thankful for that, even if he's still asking hard questions. 

Honestly Clara doesn't know what she means either. She knows she doesn't love him like she used to do, but there's still something, something more than platonic love, but not the same as her feelings for Danny. She thinks the feeling is weaker. Then maybe again, it could be stronger, but deeper and more complicated. Like it's always been with the Doctor. Complicated. 

Instead of driving herself insane with her own mind, and risking losing Danny, she launches herself into an explanation of what it's like, of how it is to travel. Of how incredible it is and the things she sees. She's trying to tell him without saying that it's easy to get caught up. Easy to fall in love. She knows Danny could never understand, but she try's anyway. 

 

Later, she manages to talk herself into the fact that she doesn't love the Doctor, not like she loves Danny. She believes it too. For a little while. 

But then each the he comes along and takes her away again, she forgets it, forgets her promise to Danny. She slips, she falls and she doesn't mind. Just like last time, and the time before that. And each time she feels herself slip a little more, and each time she cares less. 

And the night in her bedroom on Christmas Eve, when she's lost Danny and the Doctors lost everything, and they've been through hell, she's sees something in his face. Something she's seen on her own when she catches her reflection on the surface of the TARDIS. In that moment she understands. She knows what it is that's been pushing inside her from the start. 

He begs her to come away with him, that expression still on his face, and Clara knows she would never say no. She knows this man needs her and she needs him. And as they run hand in hand to the doors of the TARDIS, she knows one thing that she's always known. She knows she loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone knows you love him Clara. Just admit it
> 
> Leave a comment :)


End file.
